Last few weeks I have several doubts about my future prospects. I like my job, web design gave me freedom during my university studies, but now I feel reluctant to continue and even simple small development task causes me a severe pain. Taking Clever Leap meaning into account, I should better make the leap and reinvent the web so I do not need to code it or do something different. Surprisingly enough even with a great publishing system, the bar just get higher and more and more difficult projects are reaching to me instead of making money doing those simple ones fast and efficiently with existing tools. No. Simple web sites with CMS and even e-shops are available for free now and anybody can do them. This way only high quality, hard to do staff seems to be the only thing left in the web design industry. Or is it just my progression into wrong field? Or my blindness to see new opportunities? I am not an IT person.
School was always my refuge. While others drop from the university to start-up their companies I was turning to the university to be able to work on that mine. It is not possible to work on your own. Freelancing and outsourcing to clients from whom 90% you didn’t meet in person, without going out into real world, between real people and have real fun, is extremely lonely job otherwise. School was a refuge from this environment full of abstract objects and models. I really enjoyed my studies and took out the most I could.
In my stupidity that perfect balanced life style will continue I joined PhD program, just to my surprise to find out later that it is completely different. You don’t get as much interaction doing PhD. It is very individualistic work, same as freelancing is. Now I found myself going from one empty room to another empty office. Most of the last weeks instead of working I am trying to fill the day by traveling around, attending lectures which interest me and trying to do some crazy things which I never did before (like handing out flyers to people to promote language school, just for the sake of experiencing it).
Self-diagnosis? Cabin-fever and burn-out. Terrible.
It would be all perfect if PhD would be more active. However this is difficult as most of the people on the faculty consider this just a warm seat, while others are just finishing their lives in there. But I do not want to die with them! I am young and I want to live and living doesn’t mean sitting in the office “doing nothing”. Don’t blame me, I know I am supposed to do research :). I like university environment very much. This is where Ideas should happen and sprout. Where new things should be developed. I considered this to be an active role. But nothing is happening. It’s quiet. It’s dead. Or I didn’t get it, yet.
And it seems, that it’s just me who wants to bother. I don’t care about the destination, getting paper and getting it the easy way does not fulfill me. The journey and the experience does.
Solution? Change of the environment always helps. Maybe even employment for some time. I start writing copy for Ideacamp - a networking club which I want to set-up. But overall, I don’t know what to do, and I feel lost as never before in my life. Someone could start research about postgraduation syndrome. You could easily call it by my name.
The most important thing is to start doing something. Immediatelly. Something local, with real people in real world. I have to find my future direction. I’ve learned my voice, now I have to use it.